Dec 18: Try

Today’s Reverb 10 post asks: What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about 2011.  I haven’t printed out my Goddess Year Workbook yet, but I’ve already been pondering things like what I want my official Word for the year to be and what motto I want to embody and what values I want my life to reflect.  These things are different than New Years Resolutions.  I’m not talking about things like “I will lose 75 pounds” and “I will exercise every day” (because I doubt I will and I know I won’t, respectively).  I’m talking about words and phrases that embody the essence of what I want 2011 to bring.

I mention all of this because they’re all reflected in my response to today’s prompt.  The trouble is that the question is a little hard to answer coherently.  Let’s see…

Ever since I started my third trimester of pregnancy I’ve been in cocoon time.  That’s understandable, I think.  The last 3 months of pregnancy and the first couple of years as a mom are so intense and so crazy, and it’s really easy (as a SAHM, anyway) to get caught up in a very small version of your life and yourself.  That’s what I think of when I think of the past couple of years…I think of me in a very small box.  And it’s a lovely box, and it’s nice and cozy in here.  I don’t regret my choice to stay at home at ALL.  But sometimes -at first very sporadically, and recently more and more frequently- I just want to scream and grab and axe and BASH DOWN A WALL.  Or at least open up a window or crack the door and possibly *think* about stepping outside.

When I wrote that I had a sudden memory.  In 2004, newly single, I went on a Contiki bus tour of the UK and Southern Ireland.  It was my way of marking my new independence and my commitment to making my own dreams come true: travelling alone to a place I’d never seen before but had always dreamed of visiting.  And it was marvelous.  But the first week of the 3-week tour was very uncomfortable.  Everyone else seemed so much…BIGGER than me…louder, more confident, more self-assured.  They teased (kindly) and joked and I felt smaller and smaller and less and less myself…

…until we stopped in Glasgow and we all went out to a dance club.  And when we got on that dance floor…I was me again.  I danced my heart out (I’m a very good dancer…it’s sort of what I do :-P).  People literally gaped at me.  I shocked their pants off.  And it felt marvelous.  And that one night on the dance floor changed the rest of the trip for me.  I was Meg-sized again.  I was comfortable and confident and glowing and…ME.  And yes, sometimes I would have an off-day, but generally…yeah.  Me.

That’s what I want to try in 2011.  I want to step out of this little box and be Me-sized again.  I want to go out and meet the world.  I definitely want to dance.  I’m already listing all the possibilities I could make for dancing.  And maybe, just maybe, that will be the turning point again…the point where Meg inhabits the her-sized hole in the world.  And, coincidentally, the point where I have something to talk about other than parenting 😛

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