…sometimes an intention needs to be longer than one word.
I’m going admit something: I am in a horrible mood. Xander was sick for the second half of last week and all weekend. For several nights, he would wake up screaming every 10 minutes because his throat hurt and he was coughing so much. So I started going to bed at the same time as him (with my computer etc…but still…alone time it was not). And somehow…well…we didn’t seem to manage a full-on Meg-break this weekend. Saturday afternoon, technically, but I napped for half of it and was staving off nausea for the other half. Not precisely sanctuary and restoration (napping makes me nauseated sometimes…just another reason why I tend not to do it unless it’s an emergency. But on Saturday Xander woke up at 5 am…so it was definitely an emergency).
Yesterday afternoon I was so unbelievably cranky that Matty took Xander to the bedroom so I could dance…and I did…for 8 wonderful minutes…until my left ankle made a weird “ping” sound (OK, it was a feeling and not a sound…but it still freaked me out). And then it hurt and I cried. And now I have a weird pain up the outside of my left leg. They say that left-sided injuries are right-brain related (emotions and creativity and all that)…so this ankle-knee-hip thing probably has something to do with the sheer volume of negativity I was feeling right before it happened. That doesn’t stop my knee from hurting in a truly unprecedented way today. Grr.
Anyway, as you can probably tell I am in a massive downward spiral right now. And it BLOWS. So my intention for this week is to meet myself where I am. Not to further the spiral by being mean to myself and judging myself about my moods, but to accept the fact that I’m pissed off, dammit, and that’s OK. It’s been a rough half-week. It’s normal to respond with crankiness. Let’s make today a go-easy-on-yourself day…if necessary, a go-easy-on-yourself WEEK!
In fact, what I shall do -at least today, and for as long as necessary, is the process described in the following post by the marvelous Havi Brooks: What you do when you feel like dirt. Because I really REALLY do.
I hate being injured. I hate not being able to dance things out. Being injured brings up all the old fears and the baggage that happens when a dance teacher accuses you of “malingering” instead of respecting her student’s body. But there it is. If I can stop piling on the judgment, then this pain will become nothing more or less than what it is: a little twinge-y pulled-something that happens sometimes when you get really into a dance and probably aren’t completely IN your body and are not especially well-warmed up. Mental note: build better warm-up routines into dance practice…but don’t beat yourself up about this incident because that would be supremely UN-helpful.
So…yeah…meet myself where I am. Observe without judgment. Self-befriending instead of self-mastery. That’s my intention for this week.