5Rhythms Friday: Let’s be brutally honest, shall we?

Hello everyone!

Oy.

I repeat: OY.

This has been one HELL of a Friday.

Something in me broke today…and I’ve been crying all afternoon.

Not pretty, subtle crying. Huge, incapacitating animal sobs. Poor Xander must think Mummy is losing it (maybe she is).

He’s napping right now. I broke our cardinal rule and let him nap at 5. Because I couldn’t take it any more. And then I put on my music and I started to “dance it out.”

Only…I couldn’t do it. I tried. I lay on the floor. I moved. And I sobbed. I sat up, I tried something else. I sobbed. I stood up. I danced for a minute. I sobbed. And that’s when it hit me:

Oh, honey. This is why you’ve spent so many years running from your body. This is why you spend all of your time up in your head. Because there is so much darkness and pain down here. So much raw agony and rage and powerlessness. You held onto it all. You’ve kept it all inside for so many years.

Is that what this dancing journey is all about? Clearing out the garbage and making room for me? Is that why I’ve always stopped short and run away every other time I’ve tried to make dance part of my life? Can I even do it and survive?

…can I not do it and truly live?

…I’m going to hit “publish”…and then I’m going to try again. We only have one life. I’m tired of carrying all of this baggage with me along the way.

Happy Friday.

xox

Meg

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8 thoughts on “5Rhythms Friday: Let’s be brutally honest, shall we?

  1. Sometimes that kind of cry is cathartic. I hope it was for you.

    Self-discovery can break loose all kinds of emotions – good and bad. I’ve found it is best to feel everything as deeply & completely as you can, so that it doesn’t keep coming back when you aren’t prepared for it.

    Hope today was better.

  2. Sounds like quite the day. I think good things will come of it. And don’t worry about Xander — I think kids need to see us express strong emotions sometimes to help them realize that everyone has them and they’re normal. You’re human. It’s all good.

  3. It sounds like you had a bit of an epiphany, especially the “clearing out the garbage” theory!

    It’s nice to hear the perspective of someone else who uses dances to get through angst. I wasn’t sure how to properly mourn for my recently deceased aunt, but when I came home from the funeral on Thursday, put on some music…well, my dance was my personal eulogy.

    • Oh, that’s beautiful…although I’m sorry to hear about your aunt.

      I’ve only gotten back to dancing-as-therapy this year, but I truly believe that it can do anything. Which is part of the reason why I was so freaked out when I couldn’t get “into it” during my Day of Suck. But I think maybe I had to cry my way through that part as well as dance it.

      Here’s the most magical dancing story I have from this year:
      When the revolution was happening in Egypt, I was terrified because one of my best friends is teaching in Cairo this year, and obviously she couldn’t update Facebook or Skype me, what with the internet turned off. I was so frightened for her, and one afternoon I just put on some music and danced a prayer to the Universe for her to be safe. I cried while I was doing it. And then in the middle of my dance, a little voice inside me said “check your messages”…and I logged onto Facebook and found a message from her brother letting me know that he had just talked to her on the phone and she was safe.

      When we dance we create magic.

  4. Pingback: Whatever happened to 5Rhythms Fridays? (and what comes next) | Spirit Moves Dance

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